Today's Ride: Existential Angst

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I’ve just become aware of how I continuously evaluate myself in comparison to everyone else.  It is a humbling realization especially when I’m riding the wave of a pity party in my living room, crying for no reason except some existential angst that I can’t quite tame. Those moments are the worst – I had one on Sunday in which I wailed away and sunk into the pit of victim-hood. I then aggravated the feelings by comparing myself to those who seem to be living dazzling lives, at least from what Facebook tells us – those who are jaunting off to Nepal and India, Thailand and Cambodia posting pictures of prayer flags and Buddha statues. When I’m sitting in a heap of myself at home, I am sure their lives are full of ease, they are on a road to enlightenment and I'm just stuck and won't get anywhere.

I look for ALL of the reasons I’m in this crazy mad state – asking myself is it peri-menopause? Hormonal swings still? Perhaps I AM depressed and should take Prozac? Is it my ego being shattered, broken down so I can understand humanity more? I cling onto any one of these reasons for a while as I blow my way through Kleenex after Kleenex. Then I come up with the "REAL" reason – it’s all of the Astrological retrogrades!

All I know is I don’t want to feel the way I’m feeling – I want to escape, run away, maybe buy a small airstream, get a tablet and go – take a dog with me, leave my life. Leave it all. That makes me feel better. But then I will be there too. Me. Just me and mine and my mind.

I strap myself into the ride and try not to resist. I am, however, a master at resistance, which we all know just increases the suffering. Then I remember I can journal! I whip out my journal and begin to make marks, jot down words, move the energy. Slowly I feel the dark clouds begin to scatter, I’m not quite as heavy, and I see a ray of light on the emotional horizon.My journal helps me remember that everything DOES pass, and if I can identify the cycles and rhythms of who I am and how I operate I have a better chance of riding out whatever storm comes my way.

Come journal with me.

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