The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I’ve just become aware of how I continuously evaluate myself in comparison to everyone else. It is a humbling realization especially when I’m riding the wave of a pity party in my living room, crying for no reason except some existential angst that I can’t quite tame. Those moments are the worst – I had one on Sunday in which I wailed away and sunk into the pit of victim-hood. I then aggravated the feelings by comparing myself to those who seem to be living dazzling lives, at least from what Facebook tells us – those who are jaunting off to Nepal and India, Thailand and Cambodia posting pictures of prayer flags and Buddha statues. When I’m sitting in a heap of myself at home, I am sure their lives are full of ease, they are on a road to enlightenment and I'm just stuck and won't get anywhere.
I look for ALL of the reasons I’m in this crazy mad state – asking myself is it peri-menopause? Hormonal swings still? Perhaps I AM depressed and should take Prozac? Is it my ego being shattered, broken down so I can understand humanity more? I cling onto any one of these reasons for a while as I blow my way through Kleenex after Kleenex. Then I come up with the "REAL" reason – it’s all of the Astrological retrogrades!
All I know is I don’t want to feel the way I’m feeling – I want to escape, run away, maybe buy a small airstream, get a tablet and go – take a dog with me, leave my life. Leave it all. That makes me feel better. But then I will be there too. Me. Just me and mine and my mind.
I strap myself into the ride and try not to resist. I am, however, a master at resistance, which we all know just increases the suffering. Then I remember I can journal! I whip out my journal and begin to make marks, jot down words, move the energy. Slowly I feel the dark clouds begin to scatter, I’m not quite as heavy, and I see a ray of light on the emotional horizon.My journal helps me remember that everything DOES pass, and if I can identify the cycles and rhythms of who I am and how I operate I have a better chance of riding out whatever storm comes my way.
Come journal with me.
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