It’s always on my dog walks that I “write” the best blogs, poems and essays in my head. I get real and raw with myself and I own those tossed off parts. You know the ones – the tantrum throwing little girl inside, the fearful one who gets frozen and stuck, the rager who wants to throw plates at the kitchen wall, the poor-me victim girl who just can’t seem to get her shit together and blames everyone else for her misery.
Out with the dogs, walking among the trees, hearing the crunch of snow underfoot and looking up at the wide open sky, my tight heart relaxes and I breathe more easily. It’s on those walks I open my heart to myself and start to listen with no judgment.
So, why am I telling you this? Because I want to pull back the curtain of the carefully crafted Facebook presentation that I show to the world and get real. With myself. With you. I am walking this path of life towards inner liberation, at least that’s where I’m headed and the way there is to get real once and for all.
I’ve been investigating the inner landscape for years through a variety of practices – yoga, meditation, dance meditation, authentic movement, the creative process. You name it, I’ve probably tried it. But I’ve found that there still seems to be a thin veneer of hiding myself to the world so that I create a perception of who I am so you will like me.
Yes, that’s right.
I still want YOU – whoever you are – to like me. And why is that? Well, just recently at a young 53 years old, I realize that I love myself conditionally. The conditions are that I am all together, that I’m successful, that I am a “good” girl, that I’m a loyal and loving friend, daughter, wife, watever. Oh, and I love myself if YOU love me – if you tell me how great I am, how amazing I am, how this or that I am. Of course, that’s like a line of crack cuz it only lasts a minute and then I’m chasing the high again.
Well, let me just say.
Fuck that shit!
It’s tiring. It’s exhausting and I’ve been trying to play by all of the rules for 53, yes 53 years and I still have anxiety, I still melt down, I have NOT found inner peace and I am coming to the conclusion that it’s because I have NOT accepted myself AS I AM!
So, let me tell you a little about myself – I’m going to start with the dark side first to get it out of the way!
I’m a drama queen! I AM DRAMATIC! YES I AM!!!!!!!
I’m emotional – I cry at the drop of a hat because I FEEL so damn much. SO much that it’s painful. Which by the way gives me the ability to empathize with you and whatever your situation is.
I am an envious and jealous person. I, of course don’t want anyone to see this. It’s embarrassing, that’s why I’m writing it here. I often think other people have it better than me – they have life figured out, no anxiety, they don’t have any struggles – financially or emotionally. They’re not riddled with irrational fear. I’m convinced some of my friends are like this, or at least that’s what they show me.
I’m a rager – well, not so much any more, but I still feel the heat of anger rise up and I STILL WANT to throw phones and break them, but I don’t because I know that’s not acceptable. But the heat of anger can blaze through my body like a wildfire out of control. I wish it didn’t, but it still does.
Well, I guess that’s a good start on the dark side. There’s certainly more, but let me switch to the light side and tell you some things I DO love about myself .
I love that I’m immensely creative. I live and breathe creativity. I create beauty wherever I go because I believe beauty soothes the soul.
I’m incredibly compassionate. I can FEEL other peoples’ pain and it often breaks my heart.
I’m a loyal and loving friend. Sometimes so much I forget to take care of myself – BALANCE Diane, balance!
I love people.
I am joyful a lot of the time (when I’m not sucked down and under).
I’m a generous soul and I want the best for everybody.
OH, I can feel the pride rising as I write down my “good” qualities. Down girl. Down!!
So, Dog Walk Diaries are a thing. I’m going to share my inner world with you – whoever of you wants to read – so that I get more real and pull back the polished veneer of life that is so much of this FACEBOOK culture we live. It’s time. I want real, so I’m getting real with myself.
I’m going to be exploring relationships – with myself, with my husband, with friends and how it gets messy and dirty and shameful and how all of that polishes me off to shine more brightly.
I believe the WAY to inner liberation is to own all parts of myself and love those parts equally – to not feel proud about my accomplishments or of my “good” qualities, nor to feel ashamed or shameful about my “darker” qualities. Each of these is simply a human condition that I believe we all walk through if we are honest.
It’s exhausting to keep holding it together all of the time. Get real with me. I’d love to hear from you!